Man Panties

BREAKING NEWS!!!

Tool Academy is the best show ever!

YOU GOTS A PUNKIN HEAD

I DECIDED THAT TODAY I'D TYPE LIKE KANYE WEST BECAUSE HE SEEMS TO HAVE A GOOD IDEA OF HOW TO BLOG WELL! HIS FORMAT IS SO GOOD AND EASY TO READ! HE REALLY IS ABLE TO GET THE POINT ACROSS WITHOUT MUCH DIFFICULTY!!!!!!!!!!!! LIKE HERE FOR INSTANCE... SO ANYWAY THIS WEEKEND WAS PRETTY CHILL ESPECIALLY WITH THE COLD WEATHER AND ALL.. I MEAN, WHO WANTS TO GO OUT WHEN THE TEMP IS 15 DEGREES BUT I DID ANYWAY. SATURDAY WAS A DECADES PARTY.. I REALLY DIDN'T FEEL LIKE GOING ALL OUT BUT CHRIS DID. HE LOOKED BETTER THAN FRESH PRINCE!!!!!!!!

Not really sure why Kanye does the whole CAPS thing, but I suppose he's just trying to make his words seem more important. Such a diva. I'm super late on the whole blog craze, but I keep discovering more and more humorous sites that are probably going to be detrimental to my education especially since I've realized I need to start lugging my laptop to class if I'm already feeling like my hand is going to fall off by the end of class. Even right now I should be studying or doing something productive, but unfortunately I am not. I'm sitting here.. typing.. wondering if anyone besides Rachel reads my nonsense.

Oh I also forgot what else I did this weekend. I attempted to learn the Single Ladies dance. Janette and I even watched it in slow motion to try and grasp the moves, but I still need to work on it. Perhaps next weekend I can really concentrate on mastering Beyonce's moves and possibly recruit show choir choreographer master Yuri Doolan to assist. I doubt it because I recruited him to accompany me to the RPAC and ditched him the first day we were supposed to go, haha. My ass was tired from working 8:30 to 5! I don't like having to act like an adult. It's no fun. Yuri, if you're reading this I will redeem myself. Or I'll just become like every other middle American out there and eat some barbeCOO chicken wings.

Today I realized... I'm short.

Not sure why they took their pants off during the football game, but apparently I missed some sort of tradition. If I took the time to try and understand guys, I might assume that they are all secretly in love with one another.. which I sort of think is true. I heard on Howard Stern today, because of Caroline Kennedy, that people who say "sort of" are trying to sound intelligent. I guess I was sort of trying to sound intelligent, but we all know that's not exactly the case. To get even further off topic, I want more of my friends to make blogs so I can harass them with comments, maybe even anonymous ones so they think they have stalkers. My seventh grade health teacher would have called this "hair-asment." Being the Clevelander I am, I prefer "ha-RASS-ment." Almost as if there's an ass in there somewhere because truly there is. Whoever is doing the harassing is an ass, most likely.

Anyway I can't believe Milton Bradley is getting $30 million from the Cubs. Milton Bradley reminds me of a Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears type, you never know when he might go shave his head or something. I remember the days when I thought it was so cool that Coco Crisp and Milton Bradley were on the Indians together. Cause you know, we sounded like a cereal company. I also referred to Orel Hershiser as Oreo Hersheybar as a child. Whatever. Even last year Bradley was pulling a Lohan, trying to storm up to the press box or something because he was "dissed" by some old dude announcer. I am well aware baseball is home to some divas galore (MANNY I'M TALKING TO YOU), but I like that it never seems to be as bad as football or basketball. No one has shot themselves in the leg at a club... yet. Oh yeah and the Tribe signed Carl Pavano. Taking a "chance" on him, they say. What I would like to say is must we take another chance on some injured dude who might not even deliver what we need from him? They're all like we HOPE he overcomes his injuries and can like, pitch or something. I'm not too sure what I expect from the Indians this year. At the end of every season since I graced this Earth with my presence, it's always been "next year! next year!" and then at the beginning it's "this IS next year" with some person waving this sign around on Opening Day. I'm perfectly content with the majority of our starters ie. Lee, Carmona, and Westbrook but the bullpen better get their SHIZ together. AND ENOUGH OF ANDY MARTE! He's another one we've taken 1,362 chances on.

Oh and lyke OMFGZ TAYLOR LAUTNER IS TOTES PLAYIN JACOB IN NEW MOON TWILIGHTERZ. Speaking of that tween phenomenon (and all you people I SEE on Facebook with statuses such as "OMG I'M IN LOVE WITH EDWARD CULLEN"), Edward is an example of an abusive, semi-mentally challenged vampire you would only come across in the islands of Malaysia.

I've been feeing quite hyper active lately, despite working twenty-FO seven. That crack I've been smoking must finally be working.

Are you there Sarah? It's me, Angry Buckeye Fan.

This usually is a bad thing, but right now I have the distinct honor of being able to hear exactly what is going on outside of my apartment right now. I don't know whether to blame the walls or praise myself for having dog-like hearing, but as depressed as I am right now.. so is everybody else. Luckily they are letting me know by the following ways:

"I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT RIGHT NOW! SERIOUSLY! GO AWAY!" - followed by the sound of someone kicking a trash can perhaps.

Various painful screams. They come and go. Hopefully it's not really someone getting murdered.

Sounds of people throwing things at the dumpster. Hope they don't light that match.

Helicopters. The Po-Po beep (police sirens if you want the exact term). Maybe an ambulance or two. You know someone is on a ledge or in the process of drinking themselves to death.

"WHAT THE FUCK! SERIOUSLY! WHAT THE FUCK!" - probably the same guy.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! AHHHH!" - again, hope no one is getting killed.

I suppose those are the sounds of losing. It's sad but I just have to give a big thanks to the city of Cleveland, particularly the Indians, Browns, and Cavs for buttering me up for these kinds of things. I have not once in my lifetime (excluding the Buckeyes last national title) experienced a championship in my hometown. I am so used to being disappointed that I often wonder to myself whether I'll be six feet under before my beloved Tribe wins the World Series. This is really the reason I find myself hating teams like the Yankees, cities like Boston, etc. because their fans are spoiled rotten (shut up, Boston. I don't care that you waited forever! I AM TOO!)

So.. um.. LeBron.. it's all you right now.

Vagina Shot

BOOBS

I'm one of those people that tries to act like reality television does not poison my brain, but that's a lie. I love it. Especially shows which include train wrecks, bad plastic surgery, and constant alcohol consumption. My above role model is Nikki from Rock Of Love Bus who sadly, and much to my disappointment, was kicked off the bus. I have no idea why. JUST LOOK AT HER! She's the true winner and it's even better because she says all the drugs she consumes are legal. What really set Nikki apart was when she did a shot out of another girl's vajayjay.

I worked the wrestling match this weekend. It might be my new favorite sport. What I would like to know is why I must babysit the computer when they have their own "camera person" who spent the majority of the time asking me how to use the camera.

Oh I guess there's a football game tonight or something. Against a mammal with horns. Or a skeleton head with horns. Anyway GO BUCKS!

I love Life.

When the game of Life includes selling children for $20,000 a piece, mix-ups with children and the parent (someone call child services on Janette) not noticing until the end of the game, a stock monopoly, and the minorities making the least amount of money you know this is one fucked up game. Janette, clearly unaware of the strategy of Life, decides to go to college and ends up with the shittiest salary while the rest of us are cruising along in our plastic cars making $80,000 a year. Well that's what I was making until I lost my job and decided to become an artist! WHAT THE HELL! And I had to endure a $60,000 pay decrease. The game of Life is basically trying to teach us not to pursue anything you might find interesting or do as a hobby for a career because you will make no money. Mike's children were falling out of his car and Jamal decided to buy up all the stocks, so as banker I was NOT pleased. By the end of the game I wanted to take all the money and throw it up in the air in dramatic fashion, but I probably would've had to clean it up.

Even though she technically didn't win the game, I think the clear winner is Janette. She was brave enough to take out those annoying loans to go to college which took her forever. We were all buying houses and the bitch had just finished school. Janette also chose to marry another pink piece instead of a blue one, proving to us all that even in Life gay marriage is accepted, and she accidentally put one of her children in another car without noticing. Kudos to you, Janette. Oh and HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YOU SLUT!

Yankees Make Me Cranky

It's been approximately 1,294,120 minutes since I remembered I had a blog and what better Christmas present to you all then to finally use it? [INSERT applause here] Anyway I had originally intended to use this blog to bitch about baseball and I will still do that, but it wouldn't be complete without my other two favorite things: myself & my friends, celebrity gossip. So three things. Screw you if you counted it.

I really hate the Yankees. Really! SO much. Why can't they just go away? They basically signed Sabathia to a billion dollar contract when the economy is in the shitter. I realize the Yanks have their own wallet to dig through, but come on! First it was CC and Burnett and now Teixeira? I never ever want to hear the actual payroll for this team. Never. I will jump off of a cliff. Whatever, they can have CC. They won't make it through the play-offs with Sir-Chokes-A-Lot on the mound.

BOOOOOOOO!

I don't think Jamal realizes what a stud he is. I mean, what girl wouldn't want a piece of this?

As Harry Potter would say, HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!